Momentary hesitation

I entered college feeling disturbed and being under the weather. I can no longer feel motivated to continue my study after skipping three weeks to mid semester break. It never feels easy. Anxiety has always been something that controls my characters.

Having to wake up in a place that keeps suffocating my nature of survival, it’s no doubt that I will continue depending on it. Sometimes I wonder why it took me for ages to realize that. And even last semester break was tough for me. I became tired day by day only to realize that I couldn’t control my body anymore.

But if this isn’t because of my parents, I won’t be where I am now, I won’t be the person I am today so I must resist the temptation to feel demotivated. As being told by Asiah, “Life sucks, that’s it. Deal with it.” So yeah, here I am in Week 7 doing shits for my final year project.



I like it when I see Red. It reminds me how love conquers all. Like how he stares into my eyes for the first time and the dress I wear is no longer touching my skin. He still addresses me as sayang – never my name – since we devote our relationship to time and distance. I believe that nothing can simply take away something from my life unless I choose to let it go. That it often warms my heart when I hear him comforting me it’s alright, as if he already knows he is my home sweet home.

Highlights & Low-lights of 2017

1. Money

It came no surprise that I often splurged on lots of things like tomorrow never exists. I wish I can be wiser on tracking my expenses starting this year so I came across few tweets and entries on Reddit for some motivations. After all this time buying the stuff that I’ve worn and used only once or twice, I think I’m going to start with “no buying until the end of the year”.

2. Mid semester break

I spent some days with my family in KL. They came straight from Sabah to celebrate Mom’s graduation day in UM for her PhD stuff. Despite being admitted to hospital, she had everything settled on that day, alhamdulillah. She even made a joke about it, saying: “Bukan selalu kan kamu dapat tolak Ummi dengan kerusi roda ni.” But I didn’t laugh. It just got me thinking what would possibly happen if I couldn’t be there to accompany them.

3. Dean’s list & university life

Work hard pays off, surprisingly if it’s for someone late bloomer like me. Being on the Dean’s list is not going to mean everything in the world to me. Nothing is ever enough for me but that’s how I make my parents proud. I’m already in my third year degree and nothing particular has really got me interested. It all looks the same to me: boring. Sometimes I skipped classes only to take a break. Sometimes I skipped lunch and dinner. And yeah, most of the time I enjoyed being silent for the sole purpose I did it.

4. Picture speaks a thousand words

I was hurt by own thoughts that night. I wanted to write about them in a long paragraph and let my emotions drown in it instead. Then in the morning, my friend Asiah sent me a picture of her smiling with a caption: “In case your forgot how I look like.” I was mesmerized. That smile really warmed my heart and I almost cried for it. It reminded me how I still have some people that I can depend on and truly care for.

5. Writer’s block

Obviously, right?

6. W = mg 

Ah, it is no doubt that I’m already in love with chocolate and instant noodle, Maggie Kari Telur! Sometimes I would go for a long walk only to get any available chocolate. It sucks because the nearest mart in my college doesn’t supply that kind of snacks. Ah that is why I’m stepping into 2018 with 5+ kg already.

Well, that’s all I can think of for now. The list is actually random. I don’t really plan to go into the details because I know I can’t find better words for it. So, what are the highlights and lowlights for your 2017?

Experiencing earwax removal

So last month, I went to the doctor for the earwax removal. That was the first time I couldn’t be happier for my ears that they finally can function much better! Sometimes I had the roughest time to catch up what people were saying. It feels like something is there in my ears clogging, that reduces my hearing. As a result, it only makes me look dumb by asking them to repeat but I’m glad certain people can understand my situation. Also, I hated it when I’m on plane and my hearing would get worser. I didn’t have much choices to complain about the cold air, pressure or even the amount of tissues needed so all I could do was wipe off my running nose while people were watching.

Yes, if you are asking me, whatever affects the ears can also affect the nose or mouth since they are connected through one channel. This came on and off since I was in high school because I’m extra shy so I didn’t have the courage to talk too much to people. Low self-esteem you may say it.

No photos included because I was too focused with the pain in my ears, haha. The first doctor I went to only advised me to use the earwax softener for a week. It is a simple routine where I would put one drop into the ears to soften the clogged earwax. You can get it from any clinic but make sure to consult the doctor first, basic stuff. I’m not sure if it works wonder for all I know is I can ask for earwax removal only after doing that.

I lied. Of course it is super helping, even the name describes it all – earwax softener. What else do you think it is there for? So don’t skip it or you will regret it later, no, it’s not about the money.

I was worried sick when the doctor continued pouring water into my ears using the bloody syringe. It was quite big, not the usual one you would use at home.  The size of the syringe wasn’t really a big deal to me but I remember having to grip the end of my sleeve only to control the pain caused by the pressure. Totally normal, I guess. So when he already flushed out the water, my hearing got better. I was happy and in pain at the same time. The pain got worser the second time he put the cotton deep into my ear. A depth that could make me proudly shout “Holy shit doctor, please calm yourself. It fucking hurts so much!”

After it ended, I continued asking him about my breathing, whether the sinus infection is from my bad hearing or something else. He advised me to take some pills and drop the solution into my nose to reduce the inflammation there. Only then he would proceed to the next step. So far, I don’t really sneeze that much. I am more confident meeting lots of people without having to bring lots of tissues anywhere I go. Save more money, yay.

Here’s a small reminder. If you really wanna meet the doctors for something simple like this, don’t doubt yourself. Just go for it. Don’t assume. Just because you read some symptoms on the Internet, it doesn’t mean you’re truly diagnosed and can buy the medicine straight from the pharmacy. Seek help from the doctor and always remember that life or health isn’t something guaranteed only because we can find the information all over the Internet.

So everyone, take care.

One little advice

TLDR; I’m talking about love and relationship.

My friends often come to me for some advice on relationships. Sometimes I can only offer myself to listen, hug and tell them that things happened. I understand how it feels like when a person is no longer whom we can call “mine”. It just happened, really?

Feelings change and changing is good if we have something to learn from it. I learn that we don’t always end up with the same person every day so I don’t really talk about how happy I am with my current relationship on social media. He’s fine with that. He’s not always on the Internet for stuff like this so we always tell each other that we’re doing this for us, not for others.

So here’s how I met him online a year ago. It sounds very classic but I enjoyed having to listen to him talking about the little things in life. I was in a fight when we first knew so he still remembers everything I told him about the guy I was dating with. It still feels like a joke when we talked about it last night.

At first, I was only hoping for someone to be there for me to listen to my problems and he happened to be that someone. I liked him and he liked me. So I waited every night to share with him my problems. I always got excited over that. But when the night never came for us, I kept my problems under the bed again until I got to talk to him the next day.

We didn’t exchange our phone number although we were already dating, until few months later he confessed to me something that was eye-opening. And that part should only for myself to know and for you to figure it out. Nevertheless, I accepted him back because he was just doing the right thing for us.

I take a long time to know people because I have trust issues. Although I’m not going to blame people for constantly making me feel insecure of my thoughts, sometimes it’s exhausting. He’s like one of my favourite persons on Earth. He taught me so many things that I never thought how tiring it is to become grown-ups. I guess that is how dating someone older than you feels like. That is what a boyfriend is for you – a great listener. He never pushed me to do the things I don’t want. He did clearly understand me better than anyone else and supported me in my studies.

I don’t know how he accepted me after every shit I made only to realize he was always right – “Hey you’re still young, I was young so I know you’ll make mistakes so that you can learn from it. I’m here only to tell you it will get over soon. You’ll pass your teenage years.”

So we decided to meet outside the Internet a few months later. I never realize to this day that I’m still in love with the same person for the little things happening in life. I’m glad that I can always refer to him when I have doubts and I’m feeling relieved to finally talk about him only in one post.

So here’s to hoping that I can always be one of the little things happening in his life too.

Three strangers and hot porridge

It’s me again. So my flight to Penang landed safely at the airport last Monday. A late night flight? It was never a priority to me which in a nutshell Mom bought the tix for me upon a last-minute promotion a month before, or for whatever probable reason behind that. Ah, don’t ask me, of course I was a bit terrified even though I couldn’t express how it felt like. It wasn’t about the new semester I had under my sleeves, well, I was pretty sure it was going to be a slow start of the week, anyway. But if you ever happen to encounter this situation, getting stuck at the airport overnight with no one to accompany you, I wouldn’t have to explain myself over again. But there I was – I decided to head straight to the prayer room like I would usually do, take a rest and stay there until I get to grab a cab in the morning for my next destination. More often than not, I would have someone to accompany me since we go the same university. It was easy that way. For some reasons, my friend already confirmed it to me that she couldn’t make it. She got early flight to catch on two days before me. As much as I wanted it to get over soon, I didn’t want my parents to take care of everything or blame themselves for any uncertainties. Simple, there was no other choice but to convince my parents that it’s going to be okay, that I could handle it well. It did sound like a joke to me. Of course my parents would get worried about it although I’m a big girl already.

So I walked into the prayer room with my luggage. The place was empty – only me – until few minutes later someone entered in a rush. I tried to maintain and cover my anxious. Later then she finished her prayer and we had a little chit-chat. Nothing serious, just to kill time. She thought I was there waiting for the last flight of the night – where do you come from, where are you heading, are you alone, she asked surprisingly – so I simply explained to her about my situation. No empathy intended, really. I wasn’t sure if I was being nice to someone I just met but it wasn’t like I’d meet her anyway after that, right?

After some time she came back into the prayer room. Apart from thinking she might have left her stuff, I saw a concerned remark on her face. “Would you like to come over to my house? Not too far, I can send you tomorrow. I have daughters too and I wouldn’t leave them alone this way. Too cold here.” She asked again if I’m okay with that and her husband too was waiting outside. We both knew well to never talk to strangers but I myself couldn’t resist the offer. She sounded just like Mom. I guessed I’d just follow my heart, so I struggled to pack all my stuff with her leading me to the bench outside where her husband was. “Uncle Azizul too is a Mechanical Engineer,” she introduced him to me. I nodded and introduced myself back. “Just call me Auntie Zarina.”

Then I texted my parents to inform them regarding the invitation only after we got into the car. Mom too had her flight to KL an hour after mine had departured. She didn’t reply to my text – though she was supposed to arrive earlier than me – because her flight got delayed for some time. It was midnight as the road was already empty. They asked if I wanted to eat something so we went to McD drive-thru and ordered porridge for me. It was such a nice ride because they really wanted the conversation to go real between us so I didn’t feel left out at the passenger seat. She reminded me these for many times, “If it wasn’t because we decided to delay to perform the prayer before our flight back to here, god wouldn’t let us meet each other.” She was sad and really wanted to send off her daughter to NZ but their flight came off first so they couldn’t make it. “And then I found you.”

I think that would be the first time since forever that I thanked god for sending kind people to me – not because I deserve such kindness or I truly beg for it or I rush into making decisions. Probably because I was tested to be more grateful towards anything people have offered to me. Also the prayers I got from my parents, well, without them I won’t become the person I am today.

So here’s to many more years and the lessons I’m willing to learn from any strangers I’d call family.

Against the Clock

Time goes so fast. It orbits my energy pace and may yet accuse me for putting the blame on lucky stars and asking people to have all the time in the world for me. There isn’t so much to tell. I assure you in the name of those who forget to have their priorities set above the water. Don’t ask me what it was, or what it is – it won’t make sense anyway. The way the clock keeps tick-tock-ing echoes all over this empty house, the light that peeks through the curtains makes it obvious for me to slowly pull the sheets over my head and the name my parents would yell off at the top of their lungs – oh, I just figure it out, this house is never empty. It just sounds empty. It seems empty. Somehow I wake up and find myself conquering my mind barely taking off the seat belt that is supposed to secure my sanity.