Momen Duapuluhdua & Rang Bulan

Photos: 22 July 2016, Rang Bulan Kota Belud.

I was trying to get this updated very soon after the program finished but something was holding me back, as if it was there to make me feel guilty for the things I chose to run away from. I’m not always like that – I can’t even tell if I was happy or feeling guilty when I first had Silah and Balkis waiting outside of my house. I don’t even know what was that I’m thinking when I told my parents about it. Being away from home is not something I fantasize as exciting in my parents’ minds. Moreover, I’m worried that I forgot my intention besides having fun experiences there. I don’t like making excuses or even explaining myself when I need to have some time alone. Anyway, God, it was a hella fun weekend I had after some years I hadn’t seen some of them, well, I’m pretty sure several people would still remember me or maybe just the idea of my name.

It wasn’t okay when I had the guts in my head to say this: I just don’t wanna see them anymore. And if I could I would go very far away from such people whom I thought once gave me nightmares for the rest of my life. There was nothing I could make, but an escape. The more I tried to shut people out of my life, the more for the days to come and give me the reasons to always come back to them. The reasons which I thought would only give me headache all day long. The reasons I wanted to hid from. The reasons I decided to keep in a huge box – while they were making noises inside it, day by day calling after my name and asking me to let them out. I could always hear them even in my sleep. But when they were asleep, I cried with the fake tears rolling, begging them to keep making me wide awake from under the bed. Those days I abandoned my anthem song because I didn’t want to face my fear. For some people who bring the joy and happiness in my life, it would be such unfair for them to accept what I feel only for myself. And then the day came and I embraced it. How could I even forgive myself when they tried to make me happy?

I guess that I don’t need to run away anymore, aye? This is just another beginning for me and I’m coming home.

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